I’ve never been good with words. The spoken, the written, but definitely the spoken. They always gets jumbled or misconstrued. They never come out just right. I don’t recall the last time I felt like I won an argument or truly expressed my thoughts or feelings the way I wanted to.
I guess that could be to blame for why I didn’t write in here for about 1.5 years. But look at me now-lots to say and not a lot to listen-but the words are still so jumbled and lost. They’re just stuck in my head, really, and only make an appearance at usually the moment that my guard has been let down. Like on any run I’ve been on in the past few weeks. Usually they build up until they explode and I find myself almost hyperventilating.
Or a few days ago, at a work appointment, when I was just asked about my Christmas tree (or lack thereof this year). Man, that was embarrassing, and again, I had no words to explain myself.
Just lots of emotions.
That same day, in Starbucks, tears and lots of them, but few words. Oh god, I can only imagine what the packed store thought of me. These ones were different though. I got a confirmation that I got into the NYC Half Marathon.
I had registered for it about 1.5 months earlier when everything had just started to get hectic. I told myself, continue your life, take care of yourself, but was nervous to sign up for it. I told myself, what happens if you get in? How will you pay for everything on your own? Who will travel with you? Who will support you? What if you have to go to this race alone? Alone? Alone?….Alone. And here I am….signed up for this race…alone. I’m proud of myself for doing this, but I’m terrified. I’ve ran races alone a million times-Hell, I just ran one alone a week ago. This one is a big one though. Not only due to travelling and its size, but this one is going to be for me. And yes, I clearly run most races for me, but again the words just aren’t there. This one is for me….I plan to prove to me that I can do it alone, which is scary and also so very exciting.
Those ridiculous tears in Starbucks? It was probably the first time I felt happy in a long time. While I still struggled to get my thoughts and feelings out, I felt some hope. And God, did I need some hope. This race is still giving me so much hope and excitement and nervousness, but if I can do this myself….I know I can do so much more.
I’ve already begun working hard for this race, even though I am still injured. I have been cross-training like it is my second job, so keep your fingers crossed that I will be ready for running, breathing, words, and life…..
Hopefully I will write an update on my life and running prior to completing the NYC Half….no promises though! :0)